Deromanticizing Motherhood: My First Day Back at Work

The day I dreaded finally came: the first day to return to work after five months of maternity leave. I felt lost, like I was a different person from the one who left the school I taught at five months ago. My mind was not there; it was on my baby girl. I missed her. However, I was only a 25-minute drive away from her. It was my first time leaving my baby alone the whole day.
During break, I was expressing milk to make sure I managed the remaining three weeks of exclusive breastfeeding. I took out my baby’s photo. I had read that it might help stimulate the milk, and then I broke into tears. I posted a photo of my baby and me on Facebook.

It was my first time announcing my pregnancy and the birth of the baby, but from a different space. I was encouraged by the comments I read, mostly from mothers who could identify with this feeling and those who knew the baby. I was assured that the baby is okay. It's actually me who was bothered.

This feeling was strange, not the romanticized motherhood I always envisioned. The picture I had about motherhood was perfect; it had beautiful baby bump photos, the attention you get when pregnant, and mommies carrying beautiful babies around who are calm and collected. But behind the babies and mommies that look beautiful and happy from the outside are struggles.

My baby has changed the way I see and do life, something I didn't envision. When and how did life change that fast? When my baby was a few days old, I called my mom crying: “Mom, why didn’t you tell me that having a baby is this hard?”
I was overwhelmed by:
● Sleepless nights
● Feeling locked at home, unable to go anywhere anytime I wanted
● Cracked nipples
● Nursing my perineal tear, partly sitting on salty water for 15 minutes twice a day
● Afterbirth pain
● Trying to calm the baby when I didn’t have enough milk or had colic.
● The back pain was intense.
● Many times, I would just break down and cry for ‘no reason.’
● Washing a newborn
● An umbilical cord that took a long time to fall off, and neonatal sepsis that developed and caused pus on her body. The doctor said it was caused by not handling the cord well. We even had to request a nurse to clean the cord for us until it fell off.
● The night before the vaccination, I would be so tense, fearing the unknown and stories of babies crying the whole day and night. I did not have the capacity to do baby-friendly vaccines. (Anyway, the baby turned out fine.)
● Also, little things like a baby reacting to soap and body oil; we changed these many times, which also uses some mental energy, you know, asking other mothers what they use or calling a pediatrician.

And yet, I had a smooth pregnancy and a quite okay labor and birth (apart from the intensity of induced labor). The baby was healthy, I had a nanny, and friends and family came to visit. But when they left, the struggle was real. I did not envision all this, though I always looked forward to being a mom. I never thought about the other side of motherhood until I experienced it. Though I had seen many women with babies around me, it hit differently when I became one. It is a personal experience.

What may seem overwhelming to one may not to another. Also, for me, the above are struggles I did not have with my second baby. While I completely appreciate the gift of children, this is just a safe space to acknowledge that motherhood can be intense, the reality of postpartum depression and the like, especially if one does not have a sound support system. I would like to hear what other mothers relate to or struggle with alone that is not visible to others, even those who are close to them.